A Letter to Kate: What I want to do to Change the World

Saturday, March 18, 2006, 4:54 PM
Dear Kate,
    I am out on my daily constitutional.  My camera is in my North Face backpack because it is snowing and
dark and very unpromising.  I almost left it home. 
    I am not wearing my long johns or wind pants because the long johns are in Detroit and the wind pants were
in my camera bag in the trunk of my car, it was late and I did not want to delay my walk by the amount of time it
would have taken to walk out, get them and go in and take off my shoes and put them on again.  And I did not have a
proper walk yesterday, or two days before either.
    My hands are very cold in the wind, so I will have to stop writing and warm them.  I am writing while I am
walking and the snowflakes are whirling around my head and the wind sucking the heat from my hands.  I jam my
hands in my pockets to warm them and walk through the children's playground at the bottom of my street among
flocks of robins searching for worms in the half frozen lawns where the snow is just starting to gather again.
    I step across a small stream headed for the river.  The access to the river is fenced but the gate is open.  A
chain hangs across the entry.  I see no one in there to stop me, so I duck under the chain and go in.
    It took me thirteen minutes to get down to the river from my house, something I will never be able to do
again once I get moved.  It usually only takes ten.  I had to skirt vast acres of mud (but am getting muddy anyway)
and vernal ponds.  I took a few shots of the river with my point and shoot.  Also of a couple of the ponds.  There used
to be a dock here and I would come down and sit and write and read and watch the boats go by, but it was poorly
maintained and hazardous and they have taken away the boards and left only the posts.  One of the pond shots is of
a pattern of snow created by the wind which no one but maybe Keith would appreciate.
     
    "So what do you think you could do to change the world if you did not play with photos?"

    You asked what I would do.  First, I would do no harm, which of course is impossible.  You cannot live in
the world without doing harm, but I want to do as little as possible.
    I come from a tradition that believes that when a woman's children are grown and she has had menopause
and become a "Crone," it is her option, verging on duty, to work to better the world.
    I have caveats and a lot to say on this topic, so be patient.  First, my children were grown, but now I have
another.  Second:  I believe I have worked all my life to improve the world in my own small way.  A cog in the
machineries of yeas rather than nays. 
*    I worked teaching biology and sex education to Mormons and others in Idaho.  Not everyone would
agree of course, that that was changing the world, but at the time, they had one of the highest teenage
pregnancy rates in America, higher even than inner city kids.
*    I worked as a naturalist for years, teaching about nature, trying to foster a love of nature, a respect for
nature, and to increase environmental awareness and action. 
*    I worked as a science educator, teaching inner city children about science and nature, and also as a
poet in the schools, teaching them poetry.
    Let me state clearly that I believe that ART, including photography, is a meaningful and important pursuit
that adds to the quality of life in the world.  It is part of being human and part of the dialogue we have with the world
and each other.  It is valuable and necessary!
    I want to do art, photography and poetry.
    I think we can contribute to the world through art of various kinds.
    But that is not the end of the story for us or for me.
    For me, there is Keith and Graham.  This is a huge issue.  I chose them.  I made a choice and because of
that choice, I have to find an appropriate balance.
    Let me explain that Keith and Graham were a gift.  Did I tell you the story of how we met?
    5:32 PM  I've been walking 31 minutes and my legs are very cold.  The snow is ever thicker and my hands
are really cold, but I can't leave this.
    So, picture, if you will, the hand of God, holding out Keith and Graham as a gift.  "An opportunity," She
says. "Love," She says.  She offers a choice.  I can take them or I can leave them.  I took them, and my life is
changed forever.
    I have a commitment to do my best to be a good wife and mother.
    I have an equal commitment to myself and to the world, the earth.
    I have to somehow balance those things, to the best of my ability.
    Balance is a difficult issue, especially for an artist and for someone with ADHD (me).  But let me say that I
am not a person who sees balance as a static thing.  It is not a scale with two pans and equal weights in both pans. 
Rather, it is a dynamic flowing movement.  This is more difficult, it's like juggling a hummingbird, a piano and a
cactus.  The hummingbird's wings are strapped to his side.  You don't want to hurt him, but it's a grand piano and a
very spiny cactus.  That's my life.
    So I've got the hummingbird cradled in one hand and the piano and cactus in the air with the other.  The
humming bird held to my heart with the left hand and the right hand frantically tossing and catching.
    Great metaphors you may (or may not) say, but how does that apply to real life?
    In reality, there is more than one hummingbird.  One of them is Graham.  One is my relationship with Keith. 
I need to nurture the keep them safe, do everything I can to preserve and heal them.
    None of this is helped by the fact that I am clumsy and cranky and fat and slow and sometimes stupid, that
my primary skills is making mistakes.
    Somehow, I have to be an artist without jeopardizing my love for Keith and Graham and my relationships
with them
    It is snowing really hard now, and the wind has picked up.  I worry for the little computer and my hands (and
my icy legs!).
    One of the things I need to do is get moved.  I need to move to be with Keith and Graham.  Every second I
spend on my art (any of it) is a second less time spent packing and moving.  (And every second I spend moving is
one second less for my art!)
    For me, moving is essential and art is essential, and each adds to and takes away form the other.  In a
dynamic balance, I might spend three days packing and cleaning and two days in art-related activities, or half a day at
each or any other combination that works.  Too much time on either upsets me.  What too much is is hard to define. 
Too much packing makes me dull and anxious for art.  Too much art makes me guilty and worried.
    And those are only two of the balls I have to keep in the air—or try to.
    It is snowing harder and harder, and the wind is more and more fierce.
    I think art is essential, important and contributes to the world, but its effects are often indirect and slow. 
Sometimes, I feel it is essential to take DIRECT action.  To write a letter to a congress-person, to march, to help in a
disasters, to give aid of some kind.  I used to march a lot, write a lot of letters and do a lot of volunteer work.  I do
little of any of that anymore.  I'm lucky if I just make it through the day.
    My sleep apnea, insomnia and fibromyalgia rob me of energy and I just struggle to get a little of my packing
and cleaning done.  I hate it so much that I can't wait to have a chance to some photography.    But if I don't work
harder, I'll never get moved, never be able to get on with my life.  Never write NOVELS.  That's what I want to do.
    I think well-written novels where characters grapple realistically and meaningfully with their issues, including
the enviroment, acceptance of and kindness toward others (helping others) and so on really help people grapple with
these things themselves.  I want to write, novels and poetry (and take pictures), and to balance my writing (and
photography) with family, community and spirituality.  A sort of large order for someone as compromised as I am.  I
think these thing would help,* maybe, but not til I get moved.  So less BP and more packing.

    *I have to say, sometimes it seems that with all the investment of time and energy by good people in the
world, it never gets better.  Very discouraging.  Some things get better, and something worse pops up somewhere
else.

    This is only part I of my response.  It only partially answers ONE of the issues you raised, but it's all I have
time for now.  My walk, 55 minutes, is over.  I'm wet cold and hungry and need to eat.

    I also think you can change the world by LOVING one person at a time.